Why, But NOT Why Me?!

I have learned over the past several years that the pain control systems in my body have taken over. What used to be common aches and pains that I could easily push through have become a littany of major pain episodes that pain killers don't impact.

Several years ago, when I received the diagnosis of why I was in so much pain, I at least had an answer. Since that time, we have been chasing a moving target to keep my pain levels under control. A common injury which should normally lead to about a 3 or 4 pain level is for me a 6 or 7. When I have an injury, the pain levels are off the charts and the fatigue that comes with it is debilitating.

I am usually able to push through to some extent. I try to take a nap every day which helps, and my physical activity is severely limited to minimize the magnification of the pain levels.

In the past several weeks I have been dealing with heightened pain levels in my left knee and hip which have made walking unbearable. Vicodin barely touches the pain and I can't function when I am on it. I finally saw the Dr. this week and we will begin a shot series in the hip soon.

On Sunday I fell and came down on the curb of a parking island. I bruised a couple of ribs on my left side. The Dr. put me on Percocet to help with the unbearable pain. It is more powerful than Vicodin, but I don't function well on it. The first few days of the week I tried working in the morning and then going home to rest and take the heavy meds. After not being able to sleep in bed and the pain level not decreasing, I stayed home on Thursday and Friday to stay on the meds and completely rest in hopes that I can get over the severe pain and function more.

I don't know if the pain would be much less before the pain issues, but that doesn't really matter right now. The pain is rediculous. I can't lie down, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, it's really frustrating! I know that rib injuries take time to heal, but when I broke a rib a couple of years ago, it was very painful, but not as debilitating.

So, I admit, that I have asked God, "Why?" I would understand more with just the pain. I could get a lot of work done. But I can't focus to read or write (I just took meds so I have a bit of a window before they kick in). So why would God allow this? His purpose is always greater than my own, so I know he knows what he is doing. I don't question that. I'm just seeking to understand that purpose.

Since all of this pain and fatigue stuff started, I have asked many times, "Why?", but have never asked, "Why me?" I think that God has protected me from that. I still get frustrated, as now, but I trust that God is working in me to accomplish his purpose. I just wish I knew what it is!