The Battle Within

God revealed to me this weekend why I struggle so much in one area of my life. For nearly all of my younger years, until I was about thirty, I was focused on succeeding in life to impress my father. It seemed that nothing I could do made him proud, at least he lever expressed it if he was. I went from sport to sport, job to job, trying to be the best so that I would get noticed. I was only successful at a couple of sports, but that didn't do it. I was very successful at just about everything I did in business (primarily in engineering and manufacturing). At about thirty, I realized that I was focused on pleasing the wrong person and began focusing on pleasing God and my wife Paige.

I was meditating on the Apostle Paul's teaching that we must decrease and he must increase in our lives. I realized that even though my desire is to have Christ magnified in my life, I still struggle with a desire to be recognized for achieving and being successful. The Bible teaches that we are to do all things for God's glory and to work hard for him. The battle is apparent when I receive praise for a job well done. One part of my brain says that it's one more success story, while another part is humbly praising God for using me to accomplish His purposes.

I don't even think that it's a pride thing. I don't think that I'm saying look at me, for my glory; I think I am still crying to get noticed in some ways. So, the battle rages on. I want so desperately to be used by God, and it encourages me when people can see that happening, but at the same time I cling to the successes as if they make me matter.

I know that this is brutally honest, but as I embark on a journey to end the war, I would appreciate your prayers. I thought that I had resolved the self-esteem issues some time ago, but obviously not. It's time to resolve this.